There’s a new series of my show The Apprentice just started and those production types (bullshitters the lot of them) have been trying to mess with the format. Apparently these clueless idiots who spend their time in the kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy showbiz world know my business better than I do. “Suralan” they said “A television show where 10 sales wankers and 6 people who laughingly call themselves entrepreneurs prove categorically that convincing grannies to get another credit card is not a transferrable skill, is going to be a hard sell at the moment. It doesn't help that you seem to pick the winner entirely at random. Maybe you could select one of the good ones this year, perhaps even a woman?” “You ‘aven’t got a blaahdy clue. You’re out of your depth.” I told them. “We get 15,000 applicants for this one job and you’re telling me that it isn’t a fair reflection of the current economy. Pathetic.” We did make one change though; I decided it was time that they stopped mentioning my massive £800 million fortune at the start of the show. Not because it’s taken a hit in the last year like those bullshitters in the gutter press are saying, but just because you’ve got to make hard decisions in business and that intro had to go. No, I’ve still got plenty of money. I could write a £100 million cheque right now if I wanted, well, by next week, provided James Murdoch says I can. The important thing to remember is that I’m very, very rich and that’s why I deserve the adulation that I inspire in the swaggering braggarts who make it on my telly show.
Some people think that The Apprentice is a very clever way of discrediting capitalism by showing the movers and shakers at the top to be talentless, narcissistic, souless cunts. Well I’m here to tell those people that they’re wrong, it’s just blaahdy good telly but between you and me, this year’s lot are a bunch of schmucks and no mistake. I’m a straight shooter so I told them all what their problem was from the get go: “You’ve got to be like me, although there’s nobody like me. I could sell snow to Eskimos, chum. I could sell Pork Scratchings in Tel Aviv and get the Iranians going ga-ga for knock off DVDs of ‘Bend-over Boyfriends 6’! I don’t do that, I make crappy set-top boxes for BSkyB but you get my point and that’s that I’m unique and my company needs more of my uniqueness.”
I know you lot think I just sit up in my office bollocking the obsequious little shits that work for me but you’d be wrong there chum because I’ve actually been spending a lot of my time dishing out advice to the government about how to get out of this pathetic mess that they’ve landed us in. You see, selling green-screen computers in the 80’s and managing to tank my company’s share price to 10% of its market peak gives me a unique and valuable insight into the world of international finance. It’s like I told that Gordon Brown: “Listen up you clueless, idiotic, bullshitter; blaahdy old fool that I am, I'm going to take a risk - you're re-hired at the next election but you’ve got to pull your socks up and stop making careless, clueless and idiotic mistakes. It’s pathetic. And while I’m at it, I’m not ‘appy about that Fred Goodwin berk either. Born with a silver spoon in ‘is mouth and now he’s getting a payout? Do me a favour. They should just tell him it’s like my show - You’re fired son, you don’t get a penny.
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